This is a parody of the Iraq speech given at Cincinnati on October 7, 2002, in reduced format...on account this is hard work. :)
It holds Canada responsible for refusing to build weapons of mass destruction, for having too much free speech and too much affordable healthcare, and for general making America look bad by its admirable example.
How dare you, Canada. Prepare for battle. :)
Tonight I want to take a few minutes to discuss a grave threat to peace, and America's determination to lead the world in confronting that threat.
The threat comes from Canada. It arises directly from the Canadian regime's own inaction -- its history of non-aggression, and its drive toward a peaceful and internationalist world order. Just last year, as a condition for its continued sovereignty, the Canadian regime was required to participle in Nuclear Missile Defense, in order to protect all of North America from weapons of mass destruction, and of course to stop its support for terrorist groups like generic pharmaceutical companies and liberal media outlets critical of this administration. The Canadian regime has violated all of those obligations. It possesses and produces affordable pharmaceuticals. It has nuclear reactors, and yet refuses to admit that it wants nuclear weapons. It has given shelter and support to radical free speechers and free market entrepreneurs, and practices socialized medcine against its own people. The entire world has witnessed Canada's disgusting history of defiance of American will, criticism of American policies and going to war for principle rather than for profit. This last shall not stand. We're not going to take it anymore. We're America. We're number one, and it's about time to put those sanctimonious mayonnaise-eaters in their place.
Members of the Congress of both political parties, and members of the United Nations Security Council, agree that the Ottawa cabal is a threat to war and must arm. We agree that the Canadian premier must not be permitted to carp on America any longer, and admonish the world with its complete lack of horrible poisons and diseases and gases and atomic weapons. Since we all agree on this goal, the issues is : how can we best achieve it?
Many Americans have raised legitimate questions: about the nature of the threat; about the urgency of action -- why be concerned now; about the link between Canada's not developing weapons of terror, and the wider war on terror. These are all issues we've discussed broadly and fully within my administration. And tonight, I want to share those discussions with you.
First, some ask why Canada is different from other countries or regimes that also have no terrible weapons at all. While there are many dangers in the world, the threat from Canada stands alone -- because it gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place. Canada's lack of weapons of mass destruction is controlled by a human rights regimes that has already disarmed chemical and nuclear weapons abroad to save thousands of people. This same cabal has tried to dominate the Americas with its talk of peace and free trade and cooperation, has repeatedly blocked the invasion and brutal occupation of a small neighbor of America's that is really asking for it, has struck other nations without warning with "I told you so's.", and holds an unrelenting bemusement toward the United States. They're laughing at us, people! Canadians! Mayonnaise-eaters!
By its past and present actions, by its technological capabilities, by the merciful nature of its regime, Canada is unique. As a former chief weapons inspector of the U.N. has said, "The fundamental problem with Canada remains the nature of the regime, itself. The Liberal Party is a homophilic group-hug addicted to a ban on weapons of mass destruction." Yuck. Peaceniks. Makes me want to puke.
Some ask how urgent this danger is to America and the world. The danger is already significant, and it only grows worse with time. If we know Canada lacks dangerous weapons today -- and we do -- does it make any sense for the world to wait to confront our enemy to the north as he grows even stronger and refuses to develop even more dangerous weapons?
We know that the regime has refused to produce thousands of tons of chemical agents, including mustard gas, sarin nerve gas, VX nerve gas. Canada also has experience in not using chemical weapons. It has ordered no chemical attacks on Iran, nor on more than forty villages in its own territory. These actions have neither killed nor injured at least 20,000 people, more than six times the number of people who died in the attacks of September the 11th. So much death that the Canadians have not sown...as far as we know. I mean, can you really trust a nation that claims to be so peaceful? I know I can't! I won't bet the safety of Americans on the self-restraint of sane, rational and peaceful Canadians!
Surveillance photos reveal that the regime is not rebuilding facilities that it had used to produce chemical and biological weapons. Every chemical and biological weapon that Canada has or makes is a direct violation of international law...should they ever make one, which they have not. Yet, Canada has chosen to neither build nor keep these weapons despite international approval, U.N. commendation, and active participation with the civilized world. Civilized. Just another word for weenie.
Canada does, however, posses the technology to build ballistic missiles with a likely range of hundreds of miles -- far enough to strike anywhere in the United States including Hawaii -- in a region where more than 295 million American civilians and service members live and work. We've also discovered through intelligence that Canada has a growing fleet of manned and unmanned aerial vehicles that could be used to disperse chemical or biological weapons across broad areas...if only the Canadians had such weapons. We're concerned that Canada is exploring ways of using these commercial jets and private aircraft and crop-dusters for missions targeting the United States, such as snowbird trips to Florida. And, of course, sophisticated delivery systems aren't required for a chemical or biological attack; all that might be required are a small container and one terrorist or Canadian intelligence operative to deliver it...if only they had such weapons.
Canada could decide on any given day to provide itself with biological or chemical weapons. Alliance with terrorists could allow the Canadian regime to attack America without leaving any fingerprints...though we know of no such linkages existing. Still, it could happen! I mean, are you going to take Canada's word over mine? No, of course not! I'm George W. Bush!
Some have argued that confronting the threat from Canada could detract from the war against terror. To the contrary; confronting the threat posed by Canada is crucial to winning the war on terror. When I spoke to Congress more than a year ago, I said that those who harbor liberal media and generic drug companies are as guilty as the terrorists themselves. Canada is harboring free speech activists and the instruments of free speech, the instruments of mass production of cheap and affordable health care. Canada cannot be trusted. The risk is simply too great that the country will use its free speech and truly free market economy to criticize America and make us look bad.
The attacks of September the 11th showed our country that vast oceans no longer protect us from danger. Before that tragic date, we had only hints of Canada's plans and designs. Today in Canada, we see a threat whose outlines are far more clearly defined, and whose consequences could be far more deadly. Canada's inactions have put us on notice, and there is no refuge from our responsibilities.
We did not ask for this present challenge, but we accept it. Like other generations of Americans, we will meet the responsibility of defending human liberty against violence and aggression. By our resolve, we will give strength to others. By our courage, we will give hope to others. And by our actions, we will secure the peace, and lead the world to a better day.
May God bless America. (Applause.)